I’m having trouble determining where to even start with this. I had an amazing and emotional experience this weekend and it’s difficult to put into words. This past Saturday, I had a day all to myself. I went on a nice walk, ate a delicious sushi dinner, then meditated in my room. However, this mediation was like no other. I was in an altered state of consciousness.
I did my normal mediation practice. It’s basically a combination of TM and breath awareness. I found this practice works best for me. This time was a bit different as a result of the state of mind I was in. I want to make this very clear. I did not “see” anything. But I did “feel” certain visuals. If that even makes sense. As my eyes were closed, I stared to sense animals. I saw mostly zebra patterns, but also a variety of other animals. Most animals would be considered African Plains type of animals. I continued to focus on my mantra and my breath throughout the 15-minute mediation session. I felt a heightened sense of awareness of my thoughts and would get lost in my thoughts more easily. It felt like I stumbled down a rabbit hole on several occasions. Which is not a problem seeing how TM doesn’t see this as a problem. Instead, just get back to your mantra and continue.
What really started to pique my interest is what happened after my mediation. I laid on my bed while listening to music and reflected on my unusual session. As I did so, some unique thoughts and feelings started to creep into my head. I noticed whenever I closed my eyes I started to go into another level of my thoughts. It was as if I had levels of consciousness. I felt like a Russian doll that kept getting smaller and smaller the deeper inside I looked. On the surface was me, the largest of the Russian dolls. But most of my time on that bed was spent with my eyes closed. This was another level of me. A deeper level that I would normally refer to as my inner voice. However, for whatever reason this inner voice felt like it was in charge now. I don’t mean it was calling the shots or anything. It was if my eyes open self was taking a break. It was if my eyes open self went on a mini vacation whenever I closed my eyes. And my inner voice became the new boss by default.
Usually, I only consider there to be two of me. Let me explain. There is the me that interfaces with others. This me reacts naturally to things and has conversations without thinking. It’s the me most people see. Then there’s my inner voice. This part of me that doesn’t really come out to the public. It’s mostly my inner thoughts that analyzes people and problems and reports up to the interface me who then communicates the decisions. These two separate me’s are constantly working together. And then maybe you can even argue there is a third me. A me that I have no control of. It’s like the subconscious me that really does the dirty work to help me be me. My deep core values of who I am are down at that level and the me that is communicating now doesn’t have a hint of access to that deep of level. While I was under this altered state of consciousness, I started to notice the different me’s. There was more than just one two. Unlike the surface me and the inner voice me, there were many of deep value me’s. In a way I saw them, and I was able to recognize them. I appreciated them. Since my surface me was taking a break, I felt like I dropped down a level of consciousness. My inner voice became my new surface me and my deeper me’s became closer to the surface and I could for once in my life, tap into them. I couldn’t control them or change their behavior, but I could observe them. While observing them I got an overwhelming feeling of happiness and appreciation. It was very emotional. I watched them dance and they looked to be so happy. I remember they communicated the feeling to me that they were happy to work for me. And by seeing them so happy, it made me feel happy too. What I took away from that is that I loved myself at my core. That was an intense feeling. I was happy that every part of me was happy to be working for me that it made me slightly emotional. All these parts of me work together to bring out what you see before you today. I’ve almost always felt satisfied with the person I am but seeing this was another experience. It was like proof. I could see and feel that this was true.
This mediation and reflection was a super unique hour or two for me. I reflected in a way that I had never before. It made me more appreciative of myself and it gave me more of a sense of responsibility. I must do well for all of me. I need to satisfy my team. I’m happy I had this experience and I’m looking forward to another one like it down the road. But for now, that was all I needed to see.