As I’m sure you are aware, you just turned 25 years old on January 27. And I wanted to give yourself a short update on how’s it going. I would like to discuss the good, the bad, and anything else that stands out.
First the good. The number one standout here is that I am in the healthiest relationship of my life. And the best part is that she feels the same. Another “good” is that work is going well. I am getting along with my co-workers great and I’m building relationships. Work is slow at the moment, but it will surely pick up as I get a new boss that they are trying to hire. In turn, my relationship with the VP of Supply Chain is growing since she is my interim boss. And my focus is mainly on making her happy. Another “good” is that my bank account is doing well. I’ve been doing a good job at saving and cutting down on the big spending buckets which are drinks at bars and eating out. I am also on a 4 week running streak. In other words, I’ve ran at least once per week. Now I know that doesn’t sound like much, but it actually is great seeing that there is consistency, I feel in better shape, and I’m starting to like it a bit. This has also helped me become more flexible as I usually stretch after runs quite intensely. Furthermore, I have two trips scheduled at the moment. I have a trip to San Diego in late February to visit Dags which I’m very excited about and a trip to Boston in May.
Now the bad. First off, I’m bored which is why I’m writing this. On this never ending voyage to find our calling, some days I feel like I have a good grip on the steering wheel and other days I feel like I’m driving in circles. Allow me to elaborate. I wish I was more passionate about something. I talk about being an entrepreneur and what not, but if I truly was passionate about that, wouldn’t I have already started down that way? I feel like I did right before I asked Liv out. Like I have nothing to lose. It’s like I either start this ecommerce company or realize it’s not for me. Either way, I stop the frustration of not knowing and being fed up with myself for not trying it. That’s all I want to do. Is to try it. Then I’ll know and I can stop wasting energy asking myself “What if?” The next “bad” is my neck. I’ve had this soreness and stiffness in my neck and upper back for about 2-3 weeks. Not sure why it popped up all of sudden, but I feel like it’s because of Liv’s bed and pillow situation. Me and soft mattresses do not get along. I feels very tight in my upper back when I look down and to the sides. I’ve tried hot tubs and saunas and working the area by stretching and rolling. They all provide great temporary relief, but long term I wish it helped more. Another “bad” is something I already touched on in the beginning, but I’ll elaborate on it more. I’m bored at work. And I have thought about this through the lens of “grass is always greener”. Meaning when I’m busy I wish I had less work and when I’m bored doing nothing I wish I had more work. This is related to the first bad in which I wish I had more motivation and passion. Drive myself to do more things. I’m not sure how to give your life more passion but if you know of any ways then let me know. I’m tired of turning to my phone or internet for stimulation. I want stimulation from within.
Life is a series of waves that have ups and downs. I’m not saying I’m depressed or sad, but I am not stimulated like I should be. I’m not as passionate as I should be. I’m not as energized and excited about something as I should be. I need to find what I’m looking for. Or at least find a path to walk down that will give me the opportunity to grow no matter how successful I am with it. I need to take on a new challenge that I’m not going to allow myself fold on.
If I could summarize this up into a “blog post” title, it’d be… Getting What You Want Can Really Stink Sometimes.” I have a good job, I have a great routine, I am in shape, I have a great girlfriend, and I am high in social status amongst my friends… All of this stuff is great. But some of this stuff stinks now that I have it. I stops me from pushing myself. For example, when I first started my job, I’m trying very hard to make good first impressions, do good work, and show my work ethic. Now that I have proved some of that, I find myself not as motivated as I was. Motivation is interesting to me. The feeling of being motivated only comes when you are behind in the count. And coming out of that deficit is a truly amazing and energizing feeling. I am in great shape. But that makes the gym boring at times. Since I feel that when I go to the gym, I’m not really making gains. I’m trying to sustain because my body has a natural ceiling to the progress I can make. The feeling of being on my way to in great shape is a better feeling then actually being in shape. I have a great girlfriend. There’s no secret that the “honeymoon stage” is the best part of a relationship. The time when you’re still trying to prove yourself to her and showing her who you are and still trying to win her over. It’s energizing. But as that fades, there isn’t that energy anymore. I’m still crazy about this girl, but I’m so comfortable around her that I notice times when I’m not trying to impress her. And I like impressing people. Being at the top of a great friend group is a double edged sword. I felt the most energy when going out with a new set of friends. By trying to win them over and get their approval, my mind would race and give me energy to do lots of things like meet new people. Now that I have my people, I feel less inclined to meet new people.
Is the best way to stir my lull right now to through me in a fire? Will sabotaging myself give me energy to climb out, and realizing once again that great motivational energy? Jiu Jitsu is an example of me doing this in the past. Doing something completely out of my comfort zone. I tried something new and sabotaged myself. I risked looking like a weakling, hurting myself, and lowering my self-esteem. In turn, I am now more confident with myself and feel better that I got into it. I also love talking about how I train Jiu Jitsu. I am nowhere near being a great Jiu Jitsu player, but that’s the beauty of it. I’m still trying to prove to myself and the world. That mindset is an amazing feeling. Scheming my way to prove to myself and everyone. After my last Jiu Jitsu bout with my buddy Weston, I had an amazing pumped up feeling, the feeling of progress. I finally made Weston tap which is the first time either of us have made the other tap. That was as good as I could feel, on that ride home from class and about to go and enjoy a night out. Now, it’s not always like that. There’s been times when I came back from class feeling depleted and owned. But you can’t have one without the other. You are going to fail and win sometimes. But you can’t have win without fail and you can’t have either without trying. And for me, the best cheat code to get myself to try is to sabotage myself and watch me climb out. I saw myself climb out instead of force myself to climb out because it doesn’t feel forced when I am in that zone. I feel naturally motivated to do so and that’s what I need to get to again.
I made a promise to myself to sell something online in 2020. I know that I won’t do it by forcing myself. Because that is a short term strategy for me. The best way is to sabotage myself. The only way I know I’m going to be productive with this is by going off on a limb and buy a shopify membership, buy some inventory, and start selling. The other thing I could sabotage myself with is by public speaking. To this day, public speaking is the biggest rush I’ve ever felt. Nothing and I mean nothing has gotten my heart pumping faster than speaking in front of an audience. I wonder how I can sabotage myself in that way. Perhaps improv?